Growing up gay and neurodivergent
October is ADHD Awareness Month and it feels like I'm coming out again!
October is spooky season aka the best time of the year but it's also ADHD Awareness Month so you might have noticed more people opening up about their diagnosis, or maybe you haven't!
The NHS says ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) is a condition where the brain works differently to most people. For years and years ADHD has been overlooked, misdiagnosed and/or misunderstood and recently I've learnt that life changes unmask traits which explains so much! In childhood and early adulthood, external structures like parents, school, partners etc help contain ADHD traits so then in midlife the loss of these supports through breakups, job changes, responsibilities etc can bring those traits to the surface.
ADHD can lead to low self esteem and social function in children when not appropriately treated. Adults with ADHD may experience poor self worth, extra sensitivity towards criticism, and increased self criticism possibly stemming from higher levels of criticism throughout life and trust me, I know this is true.
When I was diagnosed in 2024, it didnât change who I was, it just explained why I'm the way I am. Now I know why I find it impossible to fake showing an interest in something that really doesn't interest me!
I used to feel so guilty all the time.
Now I know why I go through so many fads and new hobbies so quickly and why I get obsessed (or hyperfocus) with stuff that I'm really into. Like pop culture, astrology, Scandinavia, museums, Halloween/autumn, food, live music, new experiences oh and erm r̶e̶a̶l̶i̶t̶y̶ T̶V̶.
I finally understand why I have feelings of social awkwardness and why making and keeping friends has been such a challenge, maybe I came across as disinterested even when I wasnât. I often miss subtle social cues and lose focus mid-conversation especially if there's another conversation happening behind us or if a song I like comes on!
Getting diagnosed gave me the words for things Iâd always felt but couldnât explain: the perfectionism, the burnout, the hyperfocus, the constant distractions, the emotional highs and lows, the creativity, the intuition, and the deep empathy.
Itâs been a turning point, giving permission to be kinder to myself. I think Iâm getting better at thatâŠ.hopefully!
ADHD isnât just the latest trend though I get why it might seem that way. I was sceptical myself when I was first referred for an assessment. But the truth is, our understanding of ADHD is still evolving and I reckon thatâs why it feels like so many people are being diagnosed all at once. Weâre all finally opening up, being honest about our struggles and realising that itâs okay to ask for help which is so good! You donât have to go through it alone. Life isnât always easy, and I always say Ronan Keating was spot on when he said life is a rollercoaster....
It's so true though!
Weâre all human and social media makes it ridiculously easy to over share-like Iâm doing right now (though technically, this isnât social media so maybe it doesnât count? Ha). It can be overwhelming. But hereâs something strange Iâm processing at the moment: this dawning realisation that for all these years-37 of them (omg) the thing I thought explained why I felt different or quirky/weird, or quirky (being gay) might not have been the whole story. Maybe not even the main reason. Thatâs a lot to sit with.
Finding out Iâm neurospicy (loveee that word) has completely reframed how I see my life so far. Itâs like someone handed me a new lens and suddenly everything makes more sense.
I canât help but wonder, do other queer neurodivergent people feel this too?
Getting a diagnosis doesnât just give you answers, it gives you a whole new way to understand yourself and really opens your mind and honestly itâs a lot.
I came out as gay in 2004, when I was just 16 naww. I still remember texting my mum while she was at work and she asked if I'd gotten someone pregnant LOL. Over the years Iâve grown into my identity and learning to embrace my gayness as Iâve evolved through experience and age. But coming out isnât a one time thing. Iâve done it countless times at different work places, events, even with random people I met on holiday (the ones that you make plans to meet up with when we're all back in the UK but never do). Thatâs the reality of being queer in a heteronormative world.
Now, it feels like Iâm coming out all over again, this time as neurodivergent. It might sound dramatic or silly but I get that same familiar twinge of anxiety when I talk openly about my ADHD. And just like coming out as gay, reactions have ranged from disbelief and indifference to warmth, kindness and genuine support.
Growing up, I struggled with focus, impulsivity, and emotional ups and downs all while trying to navigate my queer identity in a world that didnât understand either. I was so quiet in school, my classmates probably thought I was mute but then I thought everyone just felt the same so I didn't ask for help. I didnât know it then but I was masking and trying to blend in and be "normal", hustling for acceptance, carrying shame that was never mine to begin with. I overthought everything and constantly trying to hide my gayness which is wild now. It was a different time though I guess. But the moment I got home, the mask came off and I blasted my Britney Spears CD's in my room.
I don't remember ever mental health being mentioned at school. And even now, in 2025, being both ADHD and a gay man still feels overlooked in my my personal opinion. But Iâve learned Iâm not too much. Iâm not broken. Iâm just me. Iâve been navigating a world that wasnât designed with queer, neurodivergent people in mind and thatâs fineee. We make space where there wasnât any I guess?!
I wrote this silly little article because I'm learning the value of vulnerability, and I wrote it for every gay man and queer person whoâs ever been told theyâre not listening, too sensitive, too much, or just felt misunderstood and exhausted from trying to hold it all together. Youâre not alone. So many of us grew up feeling different without knowing why.
And random side note but important to me, Iâve always resonated with Edina âEddieâ Monsoon from Absolutely Fabulous. I'd always joke to my mum that she's Eddie. Even though Eddie was never officially diagnosed with ADHD, her chaotic, exaggerated personality mirrors so many traits I now recognise in myself. I know sheâs fictional, but I saw myself in her. She was my favourite, even though most people preferred Patsy (who I loved too). But Eddie? She just got me. <3
Iâd genuinely love to know, did anyone else reading this relate to Eddie too? Or maybe thereâs another character out there whoâs felt like a mirror for you? Feel free to share your thoughts with me on Instagram or drop me an email at [email protected]
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